I want to be honest , no secrets . But i wonder if you'll be same . Caught you selling sweet honeys & keeping cookies , trust is not earned . Respect is burned . Oftenly , forgiveness is the queen's most lame weakness . Reason why advantages orbits his system , killing the vulnurable ozone .  

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I used to hurt so bad , only words could express it . After such a long time of happiness , i didnt write . Things change , so does people . I could see the baby steps of how madly in love i was . The night , the stars , the moon and the sun ; every bits matters to give succulent accent to the words . And when it failed , i have lost my touch & my pure serenity . World is insane , for a while . And thats when sanity makes sense . 

I used to thought i want you . I was needy , and clingy . That time i was lost . Faith , ways , mind , soul . Everthing . I walked empty . I absorb every human body i could hang on to . The nightmare still plays . And its never over .

Counting the days without YOU

" A MAN WHO NEVER MADE A MISTAKE , NEVER MADE ANYTHING "

- Diary of A Wimpy Kid: Dog Days (2012)

What is marriage ?

A beautiful decorated lady in white dress, a man handsomely tucked in black suit, exquisitely elegant dais with fresh flowers to amend its culture; all in a closed walled ceremony just enough to declare its dedicated share of new life to the world.

Its more than that. It is more than dedication. Marriage requires you to love with all your chocolate heart and pure soul. To mend each other in hard times and appreciate great moments. Marriage is a big portion of sharing. Not just secrets and lies to live with, but to be a great compliment of his deficiency, to complete. To really readily known his expression of gratitude nor disapproval, with no sense of reasons. To obey, and argue, on things not sanely right. To hold his heart, not carrying on hand or head, but to wear it such a medal.

Its something no one else can see in a person, but you. and you believed it. Marriage is not just sex. Its a form of understanding. Complicated agreement. Mutual trust. He is what you want to see everyday, but with some pieces of independent attached to you. He will be your coffee in the morning and lullaby in the night. You'll be his rainbow through the day. 

Marriage is not magic nor logic, much less a curse . It is not symbolic, not religious. It is not a form, nor a crime. It is marriage.

And love is, indescribable. 

Rain

Its pouring heavily, lately. It feels like mother-nature naturally hate this particular area, or it is symbolically crying for some greeny-mercy. I love the smell of air, the scent that it carries after the pouring rain. It contain memories, in unclear state.

So, don't mind rain, I am on your side.

Put my head up straight . Think think think think think . Blink blink blink blink blink . Still blurrr . and empty . I have decided . Yes, I know . Everyone knew . Everyone knew that I wont continue doing the aircraft thing not because I dont have the talent , but also I am weak ( according to my daddy , He always & always describe as that ( quoted from mom ) ) and I am a women which I don't want to be stuck in the hanger doing the guys job while my little cute babies are dying at the nursery .

I made my mind ( I think that should be final ) . BUT , listen . Open your big eyes , and shut those big mouth ; every single time that I saw an aircraft melintas or even up up high in the sky , I would look up with a drum beat heart thumping bumping in my chest , and gelora inside me is different . Its like working , handling , touching the solid body round of the aircraft is my dream . Call me silly , but thats how I feel inside . Hear me deep ! Close my eyes and I can gaze through the solid blast sound I knew it is my destiny . How can I express it more ?

Baby , remember once I ikut you pergi airport and you nak stop nearby the drop spot to watch all the aeroplanes landing and steering ; bukan I tak nak , I want it soo bad , but I have to face the fact that I wont do any aircraft things anymore . Forget the fuselage , emphanage , ailerons , hydraulics and all . I am changing my course , and I hope this is the best for my future .

Yelah orang kata kalau hidup nak senang , ikut cakap orang tua ; They know the best for you . and I hope , I just hope inilah jalan yang paling baik ke syurga dunia . Omputeh kata " Heaven on earth " , Amiinn !