I dont miss you , honestly . I could look at you with all the hatred . I could forgive myself for letting you go . Yet , i know who am i lying to when i said i could replace one lover like you . In your life , you are going to fall in love so hard you bounced up to the moon and back , but only once . Though you'll look back to the memories and cried , keep pushing forward is always the best option . I will cherish those times , i wanted someone to love me that bad again , but i know the world dont work that way . You came when i least expected , and i go when you didnt expected me to . I leaved traces of regrets , but i will keep this beautiful memories close to my heart . I know i am the one to blame but maybe fate has written better story for you . I used to said i love you so much i could lie there forever without talking to you but only to see your face . Everything is perfect back then . Life seemed complete , my every drop of happiness felt like sins . Day and night went so fast , we didnt see what is at the end of the tunnel . You treated me well , talked nicely , pay a very very delicate attention , attended to my needs without any questions . Being in love with you has made me a lot better person , and if i had one like you this very moment , i will never let go , again . Sadly , i didnt . Yes i falled in love when i thought i am strong enough , i have loved myself enough . I am wrong . I am at my weakest point when he poisoned me with his lies . After a while , i wish , and i really wish i did not made this mistake . I feel like holding onto something that is not even there . He cant even tell when i am sad , he refused to take care of my feelings anymore . He throwed me away when i needed him the most , his happiness is to see me struggle , his love is only when he wants me . I felt , invisible . 

The more i give the more i get hurt , and im tired of saying " lets try this , again "

I used to be happy at one time , im happy for them . Now i tak sure if i can be happy lagi . Its hard . 

Can you percaya how in love i am now ?

One day , i'll look back and say ; i cant believe it sambil menggeleng .

& masa tu , you know how it ends .

Have you been in love but it hurts you inside . Its like trying to eat all the fats but keep getting all skinny . Like studying so hard but keep failing . Like going out to no direction , no destination . And you know it just wont last . Someone's holding back . And holding back is the hardest thing to feel , you just dont know when to let go . 

Hurt , and be blame . 

Love life on hanging balance ;

To let go , or to stay . 

Ask yourself ; 

When is the last time you feel happy , joy . You feel uplifted . Courage . When you are warmth in his arms . Have you sleep in deep love and passion . Cry in moments you want to stay indulge in . Soak in pure happiness no one else could catch it for you .

Or  Do you feel insecure . Confused . Left out . Or do you scream for trust and longing for faith .  Sulk in fake kisses hide behind blind words . Strangling in deep sorrow . Not knowing if this is the right path . In the core , you're dying .

Choose , YOU .

Give it time to nurture ; feed it with faith , choke it with love , shine it with joy and let the bug shade in its dark side . Place it inside a jar where none can touch but always can see . May it grow to be beautiful & in peace .

You know you wont like what you'll see . Its the truth . Truth of all lies . Lies upon the vow . Vows that never actually bond . That is why you dont feel the presence of sweetness curl around . Whatever that you had for me was always a lie . 

Im not sure how he feels about me anymore . & I am not sure if its real . Everything seems to be ... unclear . Its fading away.  I can barely sense the presence of pureness . I have doubts . I am in doubts , of every moments to come . My soul is giving up . You never notice . And when nothing is left to be cherish , let me be blame .

Haha terkena kau lagi . Too much trust kan . And you're too sincere . Aku ketepikan semua . Dewa kan kau . Yang dah tentunya di akhir jalan , aku yang kecewa . This is another lesson . Yang esok aku lupa , seperti biasa aku tunduk dengan kisah nya . Melutut macam aku tak boleh hidup tanpa nya . Dia tak melontarkan kebencian nya , dia tak mencaci cerca memburu suara , tapi dia menyimpan jitu segala rahsia nya . Dia racun dengan syrup caramel . Manis kan , tapi cukup membunuh . Tapi mata hati yang buta masih saja sambil lewa memesan perkara yang sama . Ketagih rasa belaian nya , kau seronok kan dibuai dalam janji manis dia . May one day you'll be in sweet rehab , bukan hari ini bukan esok , cukup bila kau yakin masa nya dah sampai .

Cure me with your sickness . Poison me with you love . Make me beg of your lust . Drown me with the words of an acoustic mind . Journeys ahead is looked upon a bright smile , soaking in happiness . Swirling around and around and around of the flower chamber . Sometimes the prick torn pick , and sometimes the roses blooms in trick . Both ways kisses the killers and the mind of its own . Burn away 6 months that passes by in a blink of a prayers eye . I sip in the antidote to your high fantasy , and im in love . Even the words of wisdom that whispers to the lungs breath carefully into the blood have gained the monster's trust and take you one step closer to his nest . Salute . 

He wasnt really love at first sight thing . Worse , he could only be rebound of bad break up . Both ways fulfill the clingy and needy attitude . 

You know you gave up once . Not sure enough if he is worth the fight . Worth the night . Or even the right . You made up your mind when suddenly he renewed his vows , promised to be all better . 

And the world changed , differently . It was rainbows , colors , tears of joy and laughter . Sometimes it scares you , not knowing if its going to last . 

I want to be honest , no secrets . But i wonder if you'll be same . Caught you selling sweet honeys & keeping cookies , trust is not earned . Respect is burned . Oftenly , forgiveness is the queen's most lame weakness . Reason why advantages orbits his system , killing the vulnurable ozone .  

111213

I used to hurt so bad , only words could express it . After such a long time of happiness , i didnt write . Things change , so does people . I could see the baby steps of how madly in love i was . The night , the stars , the moon and the sun ; every bits matters to give succulent accent to the words . And when it failed , i have lost my touch & my pure serenity . World is insane , for a while . And thats when sanity makes sense . 

I used to thought i want you . I was needy , and clingy . That time i was lost . Faith , ways , mind , soul . Everthing . I walked empty . I absorb every human body i could hang on to . The nightmare still plays . And its never over .

Counting the days without YOU

" A MAN WHO NEVER MADE A MISTAKE , NEVER MADE ANYTHING "

- Diary of A Wimpy Kid: Dog Days (2012)

What is marriage ?

A beautiful decorated lady in white dress, a man handsomely tucked in black suit, exquisitely elegant dais with fresh flowers to amend its culture; all in a closed walled ceremony just enough to declare its dedicated share of new life to the world.

Its more than that. It is more than dedication. Marriage requires you to love with all your chocolate heart and pure soul. To mend each other in hard times and appreciate great moments. Marriage is a big portion of sharing. Not just secrets and lies to live with, but to be a great compliment of his deficiency, to complete. To really readily known his expression of gratitude nor disapproval, with no sense of reasons. To obey, and argue, on things not sanely right. To hold his heart, not carrying on hand or head, but to wear it such a medal.

Its something no one else can see in a person, but you. and you believed it. Marriage is not just sex. Its a form of understanding. Complicated agreement. Mutual trust. He is what you want to see everyday, but with some pieces of independent attached to you. He will be your coffee in the morning and lullaby in the night. You'll be his rainbow through the day. 

Marriage is not magic nor logic, much less a curse . It is not symbolic, not religious. It is not a form, nor a crime. It is marriage.

And love is, indescribable. 

Rain

Its pouring heavily, lately. It feels like mother-nature naturally hate this particular area, or it is symbolically crying for some greeny-mercy. I love the smell of air, the scent that it carries after the pouring rain. It contain memories, in unclear state.

So, don't mind rain, I am on your side.

Put my head up straight . Think think think think think . Blink blink blink blink blink . Still blurrr . and empty . I have decided . Yes, I know . Everyone knew . Everyone knew that I wont continue doing the aircraft thing not because I dont have the talent , but also I am weak ( according to my daddy , He always & always describe as that ( quoted from mom ) ) and I am a women which I don't want to be stuck in the hanger doing the guys job while my little cute babies are dying at the nursery .

I made my mind ( I think that should be final ) . BUT , listen . Open your big eyes , and shut those big mouth ; every single time that I saw an aircraft melintas or even up up high in the sky , I would look up with a drum beat heart thumping bumping in my chest , and gelora inside me is different . Its like working , handling , touching the solid body round of the aircraft is my dream . Call me silly , but thats how I feel inside . Hear me deep ! Close my eyes and I can gaze through the solid blast sound I knew it is my destiny . How can I express it more ?

Baby , remember once I ikut you pergi airport and you nak stop nearby the drop spot to watch all the aeroplanes landing and steering ; bukan I tak nak , I want it soo bad , but I have to face the fact that I wont do any aircraft things anymore . Forget the fuselage , emphanage , ailerons , hydraulics and all . I am changing my course , and I hope this is the best for my future .

Yelah orang kata kalau hidup nak senang , ikut cakap orang tua ; They know the best for you . and I hope , I just hope inilah jalan yang paling baik ke syurga dunia . Omputeh kata " Heaven on earth " , Amiinn !

Happy 9th Months of Happiness , Joy and Laughter <3